Scene: Helpline (H3)
Helpline Operator: (HO)
Caller: Unknown (U)
HO: You have reached ‘H3’. I am Shobha, how can I be of service today to you?
U: I don’t know
HO: Alright, no problem. How do I address you?
U: I don’t know, call me Anuj or Aman, whatever you feel like..
HO: Ok Anuj. No pressure.
U: Sure
HO: How I can help you Anuj? (tries again)
U: I am having aggressive suicidal thoughts off late (blurts out in pain)
Brief Pause.
HO: Anuj, have you ever acted on any of the thoughts partially? (replies calmly)
U: I took the entire strip on sleeping pills a few nights back. I knew it wouldn’t do anything but make me super drowsy. I slept for 2 days after that without food, occasional water (replies casually)
HO: What kind of work do you do, Anuj? (asks calmly, to know more about him)
U: I work in technology sector with one of the big players
HO: I am assuming you are working from home like all others? (asks gently)
U: Yes. But I don’t know for how long now (replies in a sad tone)
HO: Why do you say so, Anuj?
U: I might be chucked out of the job soon
HO: Has the company issued a notice on the same? (maintaining the calm in her voice)
U: No, there is no discussion as such (replies flatly)
HO: Can I ask you, why you came to such a conclusion then? (asked enquiringly, though with the same calm)
U: I don’t know, I have a strong feeling. I am a junior member in the team, joined just a year back. My work is load is not more than 3–4 days in a week, the meetings that I do participate in, I am not even acknowledged. All I get is an email marked with all the others on the work allocation. I don’t know even know if I am contributing to anything major in the company. I don’t know what happens to the work which I have done, after I submit it. (he spills it out in one breath)
HO can feel the anxiousness building in Anuj.
HO: Anuj, did you take this up with your manager? (building the conversation)
U: yeah, I pinged him once or twice in between, but he replies with automated replies in the email and is very casual about it. I have no clarity of my expectations and task completion. (Anuj was opening up to her)
HO: How many people are there in your team at your level (she quickly asked, wanting to keep the momentum going)
U: Three people were hired at the same time. One doesn’t care about it, second is manager’s pet and third is me. (Anuj replied)
HO: Ok. Got it. Anuj, do you live with your family? (She wanted to know more before fully understanding how Anuj can help himself)
U: They live in my hometown in Agra. I moved for the job. Been working for five years now. This is my second company. (Anuj seemed comfortable now giving the information)
HO: Would you be comfortable sharing who all are there in your family?
Anuj: Mom & dad are professors in a reputed tech college, younger sister who is a rank holder in the same college
HO sensed a feeling of disappointment in his tone. Anuj continued..
Anuj: And of course, there is me. And average college pass out, a failed startup under my belt, quit my first job to start on my own, lost my parent’s money and about to be chucked out from my present job. (Anuj said plainly)
HO could begin to feel Anuj now.
HO: Anuj, can I ask you a very direct question?
Anuj: yeah, go ahead
HO: what is the worst that can happen if you end up losing this job?
Anuj: I would have nothing to save face, I will not be able to pay rent to my roommate till I get another job, which looks difficult in this scenario (Anuj was realizing it at the same time he was saying it out loud)
HO: If you end up losing your job, you are saying there are no other options for you? (Shobha wanted him to dig deep)
Anuj: The kind of work I do, I can possibly try for freelancing for a little bit, no guarantees though. I might have to wait for a few months for the job market to open up. My skills are good, I would just need to keep applying and wait for something to click (this time Anuj was presenting himself to Shobha)
All this time, Shobha had been a part of the helpline, one thing which she had learned was, rather than showing people the way, ask them to visualize a way for themselves. They have all the answers hidden within themselves. At times, they become paralyzed to ask themselves the right questions. This is happens when the external environment starts affecting their inner state and they start getting lost with all that is fed from the outside.
HO: So, even if worse comes worse, something can be chalked out from a work perspective.
Anuj: There might be a possibility, yeah..
HO: Anuj, I need to address this question with you head on, can I?
Anuj: I know what you want to ask..
HO: Then, can you share with me, why do you have these suicidal thoughts and why you briefly acted on it?
Anuj: It is getting too much to handle. The uncertainty of whether or not I start preparing for a layoff, the uncertainty of things getting better in this Pandemic, the uncertainty of starting afresh and proving myself again and the fear of landing up with nothing in my hand in the other side of these times. I am feeling consumed by these thoughts. And hurting myself can take my mind away from them. Also, I do not have the urge to do it all over again (Anuj confessed)
HO had multiple calls like Anuj’s over the last few weeks. One common element she found in all of them was, not knowing what was going to happen next. The future, which we all had been taught since we were kids, to prepare for, was in for a major makeover. No one prepared us to live in the present moment, to let go of things we cannot control. And that is the reason, many of us are suffering now, with various physical or non-physical ailments. We have not been trained to listen to ourselves and no one on the outside is giving us a direction as to what to do. We are feeling lost in this limbo at present.
HO: Anuj, there is only one thing I have learned in my life and I request you to hear me out. There is nothing in this world that is worth giving your own life for. Not your family, not your beloved, not your job, not your finances, nothing! Even if a life ends, everything and everyone around that individual goes on. Your situation won’t get better if you end your life, you just won’t be there anymore. Do you not see it around you? Thousands are dying every day because of a virus. Other than temporary disturbances in the dead person’s family, what difference is it making in the world over all? Anuj, I also understand, one who goes through it, knows it. No one understands it better then they themselves. But, you tell me, is it enough to sacrifice a life for? Did things not change for the world overnight? Doesn’t it always go from better to worse and then from worse to better? (Shobha said it with pauses in between, hearing Anuj cry it out and smile as well in between)
Anuj: Does the pain get better? You must have spoken to so many people. Can you tell me, does it get better? (he was getting ready to help himself now)
HO: It does, it always does. (Shobha answered truthfully)
There was a long pause. Anuj wanted to believe Shobha. He cried again. This time silently. And finally was ready to speak.
Anuj: Thank you Shobha. I do not promise anything. But, I will wait as of now...
HO: You don’t need to promise anything to me. Take one day at a time. And call and ask for me, if you feel the need to speak to me.
Anuj: I will…
