I had been struggling with getting to the ‘point of inspiration’ for the past few days. After working so hard on yourself, constantly making efforts to improve your way of thinking and living, when you see yourself getting sucked into the old patterns again, is a very disappointing experience.
Getting into ego tantrums unnecessarily, assuming things constantly and taking everything personally, was the way I knew how to live. The mind had mastered the art. After realizing that this is not the way, I prefer to live now, I began, very consciously, making choices in life which would help me increase my standard of thinking. But, the mind is so aggressively trained on these ‘values’, that in this process of transformation, it will now and then take you to those ‘beliefs’ again. This is exactly what was happening with me.
On one hand, I could, with full awareness, observe this, and on the other hand, the mind was getting out of control as well. I could see the body getting energy sapped, and the mind getting filled with opinions and judgements again! Even had my moments of sobbing, blaming and cribbing again. But, you know, ‘once you know the wise thing, you cannot refuse to accept it’. Eventually, I got exhausted, with this ‘awareness’ and ‘action’ battle in the mind and surrendered to the ‘mighty forces’, and asked a question to myself loudly, ‘How do I feel inspired again???’. This was at 7:15 am in the morning.
I wrote it in my journal as usual, forgot about it and went about the day as usual.
In all of this ‘old pattern’ behavior, I dragged the husband as well, disregarding what he had been going through. He also participated, with full rigor in this ‘phase’ of mine, which caused him physical and mental agony. He too gave up finally, and wanted to make things better.
At the end, in this heartfelt conversation, I said to him, ‘Even if no one understands you or feels you, including me, let this Pain Inspire you. Let the physical pain inspire you, to take further care of your body, and the mental pain inspire you, to create better thoughts for yourself.’ As soon as he heard it, I saw his face change from agony to relief. I could observe my mental state change from restlessness to calm. I could not believe myself, the conviction with which I said these above words. As if a gush of wind had come, and taken away the unnecessary memory and uneasiness of these past few days. I knew, it was a moment of divine intervention. Both of us knew it! I do not know if he understood these words, I don’t even know if I understood fully what I was saying. But it did feel like a moment of Faith, that there are more possibilities ahead, than these petty mindedness we deal with, now and then. Both of us returned to our ‘original’ way of Love and no other discussions on the ‘matters’ seemed important. During ‘these days’, I also, read a quote from Simon Sinek, ‘The more people you inspire, the more people will inspire you.’ My mind couldn’t wrap itself around this statement then, I think I understand it now.
10:32 am: I opened my journal, to write about this experience. I was stunned for a few moments, to read my last entry, three hours back, ‘How do I feel inspired again?’. I was so humbled and gratified, reading this. I got my answer! Let the pain inspire you. When you are not completely yourself, and the old learnings haunt you, then let this pain itself, Inspire you. As soon as this realization set in, the ‘things’ which seemingly were giving me ‘pain’, just vanished into thin air…
I am back to myself, eager to share this experience of mine, to whosoever who needs Inspiration right now…
