Resolve!
“The first time when I picked up a cigarette , was to experience what the ‘fuss’ is all about. ‘Would the 70 mm long rolled white paper, stuffed with tobacco, really take care of the stress I was dealing with?’ I hated the foul taste it left in my mouth, the way my fingers and hair smelled after, was extremely unpleasant.
‘And, No. It did not take care of the anxiety’. Then some ‘experienced friends’ advised, ‘give it some time’. I was dealing with a lot ‘stress’ at that time in my life. So, I gave another try and then another. I did not realize when it became a habit. I would say to myself, ‘oh, one a day, wouldn’t matter’ or, ‘i’ll quickly have one when I am anxious’ or ‘one drag before entering the office shouldn’t be an issue’. I kept giving more such excuses to myself. Soon, I started getting invited in the groups which ‘enjoyed’ this activity. I got to know that a lot of ‘important’ matters are getting discussed during these smoking breaks. I was happy to ‘belong’.
Being a person who introspects a lot, I analyzed, that the cigarette never ‘took any stress away’. It had become my constant, non-judgemental companion overtime, when I was anxious, nervous or in a self-beating mode. It temporarily made me ‘forget’ about the stresses. Over and above that, my ‘friend circle’ had become larger, where we all had a common ‘interest’ and I was a part of ‘meaningful discussions’ now.
Whenever the ‘act of smoking’ was over, it left me with a feeling of guilt each time. I would swear then, that I wouldnt pick up another one again. And would forget all about this promise later. If you have heard the song, ‘hotel california’, you can relate this habit to a couple of lines in the song, “you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave”.
Such is smoking!!
But, I have made a resolve to leave it now. It is difficult. Seems impossible. It is like a leach. The ‘sweet pain’ that is momentarily enjoyable, but one won’t realize when it turns into a huge mucus filled irreversible wound. I accept that, deciding to leave is not enough. I have to work on every thought in my mind which is associated with smoking. At every hour, to which the body has gotten accustomed to have a smoke, needs to be dealt with. I have to make my mind and body believe ‘again’ that smoking is infact injurious to health. And not just mine, but everyone else who is around me. I will have to tell myself over and over again, that this is not the companion I should choose to be, in my moments of distress. I will have to believe that I can still feel included in a group, without having to adopt their means and methods. I have to remember that I love myself and smoking takes that love away from me.
I know, I will be successful in this endeavor, when, with no one to watch over, and, in that moment of decision making, I will choose to throw my cigarettes away”
Kabir put his pen down, closed his journal and looked up. He thought, ‘And also, I wouldn’t have to purposely wash my hands and face with soap, brush my teeth rigorously and eat a gum, every time before meeting Radha’
