Bangalore — Auroville — Pondicherry — Tiruvannamalai — Bangalore
It has been forty eight hours since I returned from my maiden solo trip. The days and nights have been the usual since return, same daily chores and discussions, meals of the day and night time routines. However, something is different. I am not able to put my finger on it at this stage. Something definitely has changed within me. May be time will reveal it. For now, I am going with the flow.
‘This flow’, is pushing me to pen down my thoughts, on how the five nights and six days were spent discovering myself in a new light.
How it all unfolded:
The Drive
Under the shadow of the moonlit sky of the wee hours, I set out to experience the maiden self-driven solo trip. The adventure began from the word go, where I had to carry all my luggage, all on my own, from the second floor to the car. I understood the pain of my usual fellow passengers when I traveled. So I got to learn to travel light when traveling alone! And also, that I have always been a brat and need to change that part of me.
Reading maps, even on GPS, has always been a weak point. I have always relied on my companions for that job. I can comfortably say now, that with practice we do get better. And I did. After missing a few turns, I learned to apply the tricks and did not have any issues in the entire drive. I never had the confidence which I have now.
The long hours of the drive did not bother me at all, I loved every second of it. The playlist of songs which my loved ones had made for me, kept me company all throughout.
I turned Philosopher, zigzagging the car between the heavy vehicles of the highway
I love spending time with myself and I love driving. The combination of the two, for six to seven hours brought in several thoughts. Since I had nothing else to do, I heard and acknowledged every thought. Sharing a few which remained with me:
- I thought of the moment when I dared to dream regarding this journey, doing it all alone, the week-long trip, the drive. Nervous and jittery, it was a long road, from daring to dream, acknowledging it and finally taking action on it.
- On the highway, witnessing the pitch darkness of the night turn into beams of light slowly falling on the road, I thought, it is inevitable for the rays of light to step in, right after the peak of darkness in our lives. Nature shows this to us every day at dawn!
- A self-uplifting thought also crossed the mind. Since the time I have come to a big city, I always assumed being from a small town was a disadvantage. Now, when I am exploring life on my own, exploring places, especially in small towns, I see that I know how to thrive and ‘drive’ in these smaller towns. I know the mentality, I know what to expect and I feel so at home. The ‘disadvantageous’ thought turned to advantage, and I felt ‘belonged’ like never before in a long time.
- When I decided to do the solo trip, there were a lot of factors, my family, friends, people at work, etc.…wondered, were amused and confused (yes, these exact emotions). I had to convince them all of my decision. Eventually over a period of one month of coaxing, acceptance set in. The day before the trip, a lot of feelings were consuming me. I wasn’t able to comprehend any of it. All this time I spent, in making others believe in this decision, I did not focus within myself, of the conviction of the decision. When I was packing for the trip all alone, the mind had tons of mixed up thoughts and feelings. I can now say that most of it was the fear of the unknown.
- This exploration of mine had all boiled down to figure out what is on the other side of fear. Till the moment we take the leap, we do not know. It is only when we put one step forward, we will know, that there was nothing to be fearful about. What lies ahead are just endless possibilities!! We can Be, Think, Do and Feel anything. It was an alien feeling, and it was amazing!
- I had no expectations at that moment. From myself and no one had any from me. How I wished to drive, where was I looking, where was I stopping, what was I eating. It was new. Being with myself, out of the comfort zone was new. New and beautiful. I was fiercely grateful.
I can now clearly define the different kinds fears I had before the trip and how I could overcome it
- Long car journey. What helped was:
o Preparation
o Knowing the vehicle
- ‘Managing’ food during the journey:
o There is nothing to manage. Just listen to the body. Eat when hungry, drink when thirsty.
- Washroom breaks on the highway alone
o A lot of convenience is provided for the benefit of the drivers
- Fear of feeling bored:
o I started enjoying my own company
- Fear of having nothing to do:
o Realizing that itself is an amazing thing
- Fear of not being able to manage on my own:
o When it comes to doing things, we automatically start functioning on our own
- Fear of being looked at weirdly:
o Realizing that nobody cares!
- Fear of anything going wrong:
o Having faith and believing that everything has a purpose
I could understand and conclude that fear is not of a particular thing. It is only of the unknown. We are conditioned to be fearful of the unknown. What if we start believing that this ‘unknown’ has all possibilities, because it is ‘unknown.’ It is not conditioned, has no perceptions. Anything is possible here; discovering, rediscovering, loving, enjoying, breathing, living or just being, doing nothing at all. But no fear in the unknown. In fact it can be completely molded into our liking.
Top highlights from my trip (in no particular order)
- Sighting of a beautiful white owl sitting on the corner of the balcony of my room in that Auroville morning, looking straight at me
- Meditating for over half an hour with a Peacock resting right in front of me, in Tiruvannamalai
- Seeing the Sun rise right from the balcony of my room in Pondicherry
- Cycling for the joy of cycling in the Auroville streets
- The solo motor boat ride in the mangrove forest in Pichavaram
- The high energy Karaneswar Nataraja Temple near Auroville
- The evenings stretching till night, sitting at the beach doing nothing, with wind in the hair and song in the heart
- The two wheeler ride on Pondicherry roads, without any particular destination to go to
- Sighting of Arunachal hills and spending some quiet time at the holy town
- Attempting pottery and living the moment of creation, just with the fingers and clay
- Singing along all the songs playing on the stereo, while driving along the long stretched highway roads
- The ‘no need for pictures’ moments and also taking many selfies, recording videos of my experiences
And, many more inexplicable moments and emotions, where the words will not do justice to.
Questions which I will answer for myself now?
- How many things do we really do just for the joy of doing them?
- What do we need company for? And why are we still unhappy, if we do get the company of our choice?
- Can we be happy with others, if we aren’t happy with our own selves?
- Can I do nothing, and still be happy?
Someone suggested to me after the trip on various ways of how people travel solo. But, I could not relate myself to those. I feel I am not just traveling, I am seeking. Seeking ‘Me’. For now, traveling seems like a natural instinct and I will keep fulfilling this ‘calling’, until something else comes along, and then something else. Till the time I get to a point, where I seek what is inside of me, within me, Till the time activities cease to be important, Till the time the heart is satisfied with where it is and this ‘seeking’ turns to ‘being’.
